June 2019 Moe Howard Auction
This lot is closed for bidding. Bidding ended on 6/27/2019
Manuscript reads,
"Kildare, Kinsey + Malone. (1)
Moe - Im doctor Kildare
Shemp - Im doctor Kinsey
Larry - and Im young doctor Malone
All - Say its no jest
as Doctors we're the best
The world has ever known
There's nothing we can't cure from lumbago to a sneeze
We hate to brag but we found cures for which there's no disease
Moe - Im Kildare
Shemp - Im Kinsey
Larry - and I'm young doctor Malone
All - Some doctors treat a patient for Pneumonia,
But from something else the patient will succumb
But anytime we treat you for Pneumonia
Its Pneumonia that you'll die from
Moe - Im doctor Kildare
Shemp - Im doctor Kinsey
Larry - and Im young doctor Malone
All - We hate to boast
But from coast to coast
We're the men behind each moan + groan
Where we do an operation, there is nothing left to chance
We probe and search until we find, the money in your pants
Moe - Im Kildare
Shemp - Im Kinsey
Larry - And Im young Doctor Malone
(2)
All - We've had all sorts of patients, millionaires and many others
But our most outstanding patients are the well known mayo brothers music (cut)
Larry - Roger!
Moe - William!
Shemp - and Virginia!
Moe - Virginia?
Larry - Virginia Mayo?
Shemp. - She's a half brother!
Moe - oh! sorry doctor (whack Shemp)
Music - All Now don't think we became )well known) specialists overnight
It took us years of study to reap our big reward
Moe - I studied at Harvard Med!
Larry - I studied at Columbia
Shemp - and I studied abroad (cut) she was a cute blonde about (whack)
#(1) Telephone bit
Music All - Pathology, psychology, we dabbled in Biology
serology, technology, a bit of anthropology.
Rodiatry, Podiatry, a few years of psychiatry (cut)
and we also studied medicine! (hug)
(3)
Moe: Dr. Kinsey, I think its time you hung out your shingle
Shemp. 0 Thank you, I think I will - - -
Music Shemp - My specialty is psychiatry
I treat people whose minds are hazy
And if they don't pay me - I don't care
I set back and watch them go crazy! (cut)
Moe - an excellent idea Doctor! (Moe extends hand, as
(shemp goes to take it, Moe hits hand, onto Shemps head
Shemp - ouch!
Moe - Something wrong Doctor?
Shemp. - Yes! Im worried about a patient of mine - - all day long he goes around eating grapes!
Moe - I wouldn't worry about that - Lots of people eat grapes
Shemp - Off the wallpaper? (smack)
Larry - Dr Kensey how's your new book comming?
Moe - Yes, what about the survey you made for the sex behavior of females?
Shemp - After interviewing thousands of women, Ive made an amazing discovery.
Moe - What's that.
Shemp - Almost 16 percent of all women prefer men!
Moe - Now, that is amazing! What about the other 84 percent?
Larry - They prefer martini's (Moe slaps Larry, then turns to Shemp)
Moe - By the way, doctor - did you ever collect on that accident?
Shemp - What accident?
(4)
Moe. - Don't tell me you were born with that face!
Larry - If you must know, It is his face.
Moe - are you shure?
Shemp.- Its nobody else's Butt! (bus[iness]).
Moe - Dr. Malone, why don't you tell your patients what you do for a liveing - - If you're liveing
Larry - Well - I'm an obstetrician!
Shemp - (grabs Larry) Please doctor - don't bring politics into this.
Moe - He's an obstetrician - a baby doctor!
Shemp - Who ever heard of a baby being a doctor? (bus.)
Moe - Dr, will you join me in an arsenic cocktail
Shemp- No, Thank you, I can't stand the olives!
Music
Larry - Last week I delivered a baby
To the wife of a star with a quirk
He acted so proud, but it was known by the crowd
That his stand - in did all the work.
Shemp - Say, thats pretty good - - (to Moe) Don't you think so Doc?
Moe - What did you say? - Did you call me 'Doc'?
Shemp - why yes
Moe - Don't you ever call me Doc - How dare you call me Doc! -- Would you call a Reverend - Rev? or a General, Gen.? - - or a Philanthropist, - Phil? or a Horticulturist - - - Don't call me Doc!
Shemp - I'm sorry, Doctor - my apologies!
Larry - I don't blame you for getting angry, Doc! (smack)
(5)
(A beautiful nurse enters all excited!)
#2 nurse + Enema H boys
Nurse: Dr Kildare, something terrible has happened - - you know that two year old boy in 416?
Moe - Yes, what about him?
Nurse - His hair suddenly turned gray!
Shemp.- His hair turned gray?
Larry - I never heard of such a thing!
Moe.- What could cause a thing like that?
Shemp.- You think he's worried about his bill?
Larry - Maybe he's worried about his income tax!
Moe - Income Tax? - He's only 2 years old.
Larry - Two years? Oh I thought you said three (smack)
Moe - The I've diagnosed the case - you put the talcum powder on the wrong end!
(They all shake hands as the nurse goes)
Larry - Congratulations Dr.
Shemp- Dr. Kildare, I wish you'd tell us more about yourself.
Nurse
Moe- I'm a consulting physician
I treat old folks and those that just toddle
In bedroom or hall, I get fifty a call (cut)
Larry - Are you a doctor or a New York Model?
(Moe slaps Larry - Shemp screams)
Moe - Something wrong, doctor Kinsey?
Shemp.- I don't feel so good - I think I'll see a doctor.
Larry - You're a doctor - why don't you treat yourself?
Shemp - I can't afford my prices. (Buz)
(6)
Moe - Well, in that case, I'll examine you - (Looks at Shemp)
Offhand, I can see that you have an extension of the occipital bone, running parrallel to the verterbrae, causing a philobus of the Esophagus!
Shemp - Thats funny - I always thought it was my head! (smack)
Moe - Sit down and let me test your reflexes! (Shemp sits on chair
(Moe pulls up a large mallet, Hits Shemp on the right
(Knee and his left arm goes up) - You've got water on the knee! (He hits Shemps left knee and his right hand
(goes up)
Shemp. - Have I got water on this knee too?
Larry - No, Seltzer! (Moe hits Larry on head with the mallett)
Shemp - Doctor, there's nothing serious, is there?
Moe - Nothing, that death couldn't cure!
Shemp - Thank you Doctor -- What do I owe you?
Moe - Just 15 cents for the magazine!
Shemp - Do you have change for a dollar?
(Larry raises his coat and makes change from a conductors change maker)
Sound (Phone bell rings and Shemp answers.)
Shemp - (Into Phone) Hello - what? - - I'll ask him - - (To Moe
#1 and Larry) Mr Merton wants to know if its possible for a woman to deliver her own baby?
Larry - As an Obstetrician, I'd say emphattically no!
Moe - As a consulting physician, I'd say its immpossible - -
Shemp - (Into Phone) Doctor Kildare says its immpossible - -
You tell your wife to put it back! (Hangs up)
(7)
Moe - You know, Doctor I've never seen such impatient patients!
Shemp - Not like the good old days Dr.
Music
Moe - I remember the day I received my diploma
Thats the day I got my first call
Larry - Do you still see that same patient, Doctor?
Moe - All the tie - I had him stuffed and mounted on my wall - - (cut)
Shemp - Oh,- is that the one? I always thought that was old Mr Davenport!
Moe - Oh no! - Mr Davenport is the skeleton in my office
Shemp - Oh, of course, - I had him mixed up with Kennedy
Larry - Don't be silly, - Kennedy's the one in the battle!
(Moe Lets Larry have a back hander)
Shemp - Tell me, doctor Kildare,- why do you always have Dr. Malone assist you when you operate?
Moe - Thats very simple - after I give the patient an anesthetic and he begins to look like Dr. Malone, I know he's under.
( a pretty girl enters, dressed in street clothes)
Girl - oh, Doctor Kinsey, I wish you could help me - is there anything you can do for me?
Shemp - No doubt you mean proffessionally? - Whats your problem?
Girl - I feel the need to have a man put his arms around me - I want someone to hold me tight - I need someone to make love to me - - Oh Doctor I'm in the dark - what shall I do?
(8)
Shemp - Go into my office and dont put on the lights!
(Moe smacks Shemp as girl exits)
Larry - Would you say thats a very rare case, Doctor?
Shemp - In a way, yes -- It only happens to patients who have those symptoms. - - (to Moe) By the way, Dr. - whatever happened to that patient you were treating for yellow jaundice? -
Moe - After 7 months I dis charged him this morning!
Larry - Cured? -- Balcony for Sun ---
Moe - No - I just found out he was a Jap!
Larry - I had one of those odd cases myself -- --
Music
Larry - I was called in to treat a Hollywood star
Had a disease no doctor could figure
Imagine my embarrassment after working 4 months
I found out my patient was trigger (cut)
Shemp - How did you finally discover this?
Larry - I couldn't get him to open his mouth and say ah!
Nurse Enters: - #(4)A
Moe - Well nurse, how are my patients doing?
Nurse - nine of them died this morning!
Moe - Nine died? - thats strange, I left medicine for ten!
Nurse - Doctor, the patient in 207 has a very bad cold - - what can i do to keep the germs from spreading?
Larry - Give the patient a small dose of herroin, two c-c's of cocaine and a double injection of morphine!
Shemp - Will that cure his cold?
(9)
Moe - No! But he'll be the happiest patient in the Hospital!
(nurse exits)
Shemp - Doctor, Hows that patient you treated for a fractured leg?
Moe - He's getting along fine, but it was a tough case -- I had to graft the ankle to the shin bone - - and the shin bone to the knee bone -- --
Shemp - & The kneebones connected to the Thigh bone
Larry - The Thigh bone's connected to the hip bone. The Hip bones - -------(Moe) Quiet Ill break your connection
(Moe Gives them double slap)
Moe - If you'll excuse me, I've got to go to the laboratory.
Larry - 3rd (dash down marked man?)
Shemp - What are you working on now, Dr. Kildare?
Moe - a scientific exp (Horse it[?] #4B
Moe - Something that will make a us all rich
Shemp - Whats that?
Moe - I've discovered a tooth paste that gives you back your breath!
(Shemp bends down picks up a saw, a hatchet and stands to go) where are you going Doctor?
Shemp - I'm due in surgery in 15 minutes! (Moe stops him)
(The nurse enters) again)
Nurse - Dr. Malone, your patient in 205 just fell asleep
Larry - Well dont stand there like an idiot - - wake him up and give him his sleeping pills (tablets)
Moe - Thats kind of embarrassing, isn't it, doctor?
Shemp.- not half as embarrassing as my first case
Music
Shemp - a pretty young girl was my patient. In those days I was just a young slouch.
Ladies + Gentlemen - we now bring to you for the first time out that wonderful show called Headache -- medic -- an operation in color sponsored by the Swift meat packing Co -- Ladies you to can become a surgeon will mail you a do it yourself surgeon kit -- just Send in 1.00 and the top of your husbands head -
Girl - Dr. I have a problem
Go into my, take off your clothes + lay down on the couch
Girl - will that solve my problem Dr
no but it will solve mine.
3C4 Spit(?) just before operation
Little girl pregnant how old -15- she married
no she's not old enough for that
Red hair - Father has red hair
He didn't take his hat off
Beats on head.
Dont call me Doc. Rev - Gen - Horticultural[?]
Man hair restorer, but developer."
Moe Howard's 10pp. Handwritten Skit, With Shemp, Signed Multiple Times, Plus Writing on Verso of 2 Pages -- Stooges Pose as Drs. Kildare, Kinsey & Malone -- On 8'' x 12.5'' Ruled Paper -- Very Good
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